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Jay-Z has vowed to never use the word "bi$ch" again. I guess he has 100 problems now. 
My wife's great-great-grandmother on her mother's side was The Kracken
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
I just had 14 beers at Chuck E. Cheese's... and this band is f*cking awesome!
Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.
Never wear a G-string backwards while doing jumping jacks........ and I don't want to talk about this anymore...
Chuck-E-Cheese, because it's never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling...
You know you are in a bad part of town when you fear being robbed by the convenience store clerk...
It;s amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumbass!"
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like... "Dude, shouldn't you be hanging out with people your own age?"
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
Every time I drive past a hitchhiker I feel kinda bad thinking maybe they're just liking my status.
My auto-correct has the education of a free year old.
Sometimes I want to punch words right back into people's mouths.
100% of the people that talk sh!t about your life, have sh!ttier lives than you.
If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!"
Tip: Instead of doing that thing where you obviously crop your ex out of the photo, you could actually just take a new picture.
Sometimes when I pee I whip it out a little to aggressively and the urinal is all like, "Woh, big fella."
Its so frustrating watching someone close to you make all the wrong choices & decisions...but I guess you need to sit back & let them learn
Dear fad following teenage girls, could one of you at least clean the mirror before taking your photo, and we'd like to thank you all for showing us 1 disgusting bathroom after another. Love, the world. 