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My boss just gave me an award for Most Productive Employee for last month. I think our company is in BIG trouble. 
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make! Then they call me ugly and poor.
A wise woman once told me...NOTHING.
Sum girls beg&sum girls borrow sum girls lead & sum girls follow sum bring joy & sum bring sorrow but the best girls just suck & swallow!!
How I think I sound when I sing: ♪┗ (･o･ ) ┓ \( ﾟヮﾟ)/ ♪┏(･o･)┛♪ How I actually sound when I sing: (╬ ಠ益ಠ) щ(ﾟДﾟщ) ヽ(ｏ`皿′ｏ)
Irony = People complaining on Facebook one day about their problems and the next day telling people to mind their own business.
"Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” (Galatians 6:7) So, why have my wild oats become prunes and bran flakes?
They should make vodka lip gloss....
Ok ok ok, I actually searched for "local wheelchair sex" on Yahoo. To be fair though, it did give me an invalid address....
The Mayweather and Cotto fight looks like a promotion for Verizon and T-Mobile.
Microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
Sometimes, I feel like my life should be documented for future generations.
"Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” (Galatians 6:7)
Process of liking a song: 1 Day: I love this song! 1 Week: Hey that song's good. 1 Month: Turn that s$it off! 1 Year: OMG, I love this song!
Dear public bathrooms, Toilet paper holders should turn loosely, nobody wants to wipe their a$s with a handful of confetti.
Text this to someone: I just love making you check your phone for no reason, who's my bi$ch? You are.
Since I've started laying crack rocks on top of all my junk nothing had been stolen and everything is organized...
Nothing sums up the proud Mexican spirit on their Independence Day like drunk college girls in sombreros screaming for more Patron!
Whenever I see someone type "ROFL", I can't help but to think of Scooby Doo trying to say "waffle".
I'm pretty sure my dying wish would be to stop dying. 