Funny Status Messages

   As I slid my finger down her g-string I thought to myself..... what a nice guitar.

   This girl just agreed to go on a date with me this weekend. Now I just need to email her my terms and conditions and we are good to go.

   When my Mrs left I was sad & lonely :( Since then, I've got a dog, shagged 2 women & blown a £1000 on booze & cocaine. She'll go mental when she gets in from work!!

   This single life is great, I just need someone to share it with

   "I'm not mad. Why would I be mad?" - girls who are mad

   just wondering why they have a box to put your name in when you can just put someone else's name

   Sucks when you find out you have crabs and are allergic to shellfish

   I am not really sure I can trust panda express. They say they have talking, emoting pandas that eat meat....sounds too good too be true

   Just ran into the ex-girlfriend. She's doing fine ...but my poor car was totaled beyond recognition

   I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

   I cant take this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you are coming to my room.

   there someone making $ off of all this "Liking" on FB?

   If the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say.

   My children have turned me into a Serial Liar...

   According to my shattered iPhone screen, I had a pretty awesome weekend.

   To the woman with 4 screaming kids at Target : if you're wondering how that box of condoms got into your cart... You're welcome.

   What if... birds aren't singing, they're just screaming because they're scared of heights?

   I just got my pen!s caught in my zipper..................... I knew I shouldn't have bought those zip up shoes.

   According to Facebook, everyone did some really fun things with the kids this weekend and has a dog.

   I'm 87% sure "snooze button" time is sped up and "waiting for the microwave" time is slowed down and this is not okay.