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Remember when you were young and you liked to blow bubbles? Well, hes back in town and wants you to give him a call... 
That funny moment when someone replies to your tweet, saying you stole it off a website... Call the police then! *strange person alert*
I must admit, I am a powerful man. I've got more pull than John Travolta at a massage parlor...
Dear Booze: Just when I think nobody cares, there you are, lubricating the slide to rock bottom. WEEEEEEEEEE!
Another day....another 0.256832% of a dollar
Our hearts are drunk with a beauty our eyes could never see.
anyone else confuse the time with the radio station? sometimes I think I'm running late cause its already 105.9
You know you are in the ‘hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”
I'm sorry but women make the best defense attorneys. They never let anyone finish a sentence.
Ehhhh……. This avocado exfoliating mask tastes nothing like avocado.
Life isn't about net worth. It's about self worth.
Twilight. A love triangle between a mentally handicapped girl, a disco ball, and a hairy pedophile.
I met the girl of my dreams last night, then I woke up.
I still let my phone ring a few times before answering when a person I'm interested in calls, so I seem busy.
Hey can I borrow a pencil? "Yeah but it doesn't have an eraser" "Life doesn't have an eraser" "That was deep man.."
Why do the people that should never reproduce have the most kids?!?!
Rock bottom = Putting saved Taco Bell hot sauce packets on food that is not from Taco Bell.
The worst = telling an awesome story and realizing halfway through that you should not be telling it to that person.
Harry Potter brand condoms: Protect your Slytherin from Hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets.
Being a virgin these days is something to be proud of; you're like a unicorn. 