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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down… You have my word 
Let's all take a moment and be thankful spiders can't fly
The reasons the jokes here are getting lame is because everyone of the good ones is stolen from Twitter and everyone is starting to get sick of it!
Dear Women of Online Dating Sites: You're unique and down to Earth.....just like everybody else.
"I am the greatest. Not only do I knock em out, I pick the round!"
I think I'm approaching my "best if used by" date.
Do people believe in birth control these days?
I give Mark Zuckerberg new wife 3 years ..before she files ..and walks off with $1billion..not bad if you can get it.
Fun Fact: the seven letters of "rainbow" stand for the different colors! Red, arange, iellow, neen, blue, ondigo, and wiolet. I'm drunk.
What hip hop music needs is more songs set in nightclubs. About nightclubs. Encouraging people to go to nightclubs.
I went to a Narcissists Anonymous meeting but it was just this pathetic bunch of nobodies
I work hard, because millions on welfare are depending on me.
Thinks there are better things in life than alcohol. but alcohol makes up for not having them
Do I really need a 3ft receipt for buying a coke and a pack of gum?
Follow your heart, but bring your brain for back-up.
Monday isn't so bad if you lube up.
To all the fat chicks that only take pics from the neck up .... good try ... good try.
We live in a time period of smart phones and stupid people.
In times of great sadness, terrible pain & unreasonable hardship try putting your faith in convenience store scratch tickets.
Thank you for your payment, I'm going to give you a confirmation number." "Cool, I'm going to pretend I'm writing it down. 