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That disappointing feeling you get when you unlock the black guy in temple run and realize he's not any faster. 
My dr put me on antidepressants with some side effects. Ive never been happier to have diarrhea, nausea, and night sweats!
I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur.
I hate when men's restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them
NEVER challenge a frog in a top hat to a dance off. Seriously.
I thought my date had big man hands... until I realized I was sitting in the wrong seat in the theater after coming back from the restroom
What kind of impatient psychopath leaves 1 second on a microwave.
Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green....
Celine Dion, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kathy Griffin, and Garry Busey... The four horse faces of the apocalypse
When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
When Zuckerberg's wife divorces him… I hope she takes the half of Facebook that has Farmville
My parents should be proud of me.. Because I'm addicted to Facebook and not drugs.. (^_^)
i saw on the news that miami police shot a naked guy chewing on another guys face... there is no joke here. I thought that in its self was funny.
Wow, I'm so high I can see my house from here.
Oi, FB friends, enjoy, love and relax..... love what you do and love the people around you... but always be prepared to explore and be ready for change............ dont get bored and dont be boring.......
Ever since my cell phone fell in to the toilet, I've been getting real sh*tty reception...
We were making out on the couch and She's like "Let's take this upstairs" I'm like "Ok you grab one side and I'll grab the other!"
BOSS: Built On Self Success.
looʞs lıʞǝ ɟɐɔǝqooʞ ıs ɐʇ ıʇ ɐƃɐıu˙˙˙˙˙˙
the perfect husband: Brave Intelligent Gentle Polite Energetic Nutty Industrious Sensitive and if all else fails, read the capitals... 