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When the going gets tough the tough get vodka. 
I hate when I run into the one that got away at the grocery store… and she's all like “There's the son of a b!tch who kidnapped me!”
Always be yourself. Unless you need a ride home from the airport, then be whoever's name is on the closest limo driver's card.
When Zuckerberg's wife divorces him… I hope she takes the half of Facebook that has the timeline and security settings.
Tiger Woods has gotten so bad that bl@ck people are starting to acknowledge his other nationalities.
If your bio says “Single and looking for fun” you better be ugly or we'll know you're sp@m. Pretty women don't look for fun… fun finds them.
If you love something, let it go... down on you.
I bought some skinny jeans… but they're 2 sizes too big, so I just call them jeans.
When I'm at the bar, I buy women drinks based on how high their heels are just so I'll have something to laugh at later when they're drunk.
I just drank a whole pot of coffee and now I can stutter in sign language.
When I see a guy tweeting nothing but sweet quotes for women, I feel bad for him. It has to suck never having a girlfriend.
When I turn up the car radio, that's a sign to shut up… not talk louder and ruin the song.
If even a fraction of you women were as slutty as you pretend to be here, there'd be a lot less men talking about what they do to socks.
I wish I had a nickel for every time I wanted to sell weed.
I'm sorry I upset you. I'll try not to be right next time.
Checked out Instagram. It's mostly pics of what people had for dinner. I didn't want to feel left out so I took a pic of the sh!t I just took.
Women like foreign accents my ass… I've been talking like Marvin the Martian all night and haven't gotten one single phone number.
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Ladies... After a BJ, if your makeup doesn't look like The Joker's, you half-a55ed it.
What the f needed cutting so urgently that people were running with scissors in the first place? 