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I wish when people called me, instead of getting my voicemail, they got diarrhea. 
If Moses were alive now I'd like to think G0d would be cool enough to give the 10 Commandments on a convenient flash drive.
Judging by how The Hulk speaks, he reacted badly to grammar rays as well.
I need a new belt but hate shopping. Time to become a boxer.
The coolest suicide would be to moisturize and not stop moisturizing until you become a tiny pond that fish and turtles live in
I don't understand why women spend so much money on sunglasses. It would be less expensive to just tint the kitchen window...
Remember, You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.
In a lesbian relationship who makes the sandwich? Neither they both eat out.
I don't get why women spend so much money on sunglasses...it would be way cheaper just tinting the kitchen window
how do you make 5 lbs of fat look good? Put a nipple on it!
Breaking news the 5th Dentist caved and now 5 out 5 recommend trident gum!!!!!!!!
All this news about Zombies you better go get your Zombie vaccinations..
You know, when you think about it, based on her color and size Snookie would make a great buoy.
Why are we still testing on animals when there are pedophiles in prison?
Its not you I'm rejecting Its my heart I'm protecting
All this talk about zombies is making me very hungry..
this just in.... apparently the reason why bieber assaulted the cameraman is because he was taking pictures of his camel toe.
Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same
Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? If it was invented anywhere else, it woulda been called a "teethbrush."
They say that the first sign of alcoholism is drinking alone. I have a dog, so I don't have to worry about that. 