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Just when Justin Bieber was gaining street creds by roughing up that photographer, he goes and knocks himself out. 
Curling irons have a warning tag that says "For External Use Only." Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
When you love someone more than what they deserve, you get hurt more than what you deserve.
excuse me......Is that a spray on tan or did you roll in a bag of doritos???????????????????
ironing clothes for my date tonight when I thought...man, I need a wife to do this ironing...
People would be way more pissed if that guy ate a puppy's face
WTH?! Antoine Dodson needs to make another plea, "hide yo kids, hide yo wife, hide yo husband too cause they EATIN everybody out here!"
promise, as a very white guy, to never say "Salt 'N Peppa" out loud.
I think I'm slipping.....too many mistakes went unmade today.
That moment when the woman you're dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, then you realise she just lost an earring... and that no one else in Starbucks can hear your iPod.
Wow I get alot of e-mails.... I can't believe so many "singles in my area are dying to meet" me. It's probably all of the I-pads I've won and money they are sending to my bank account from The Nigerian Chambers Of Commerce . Since Prince Howgul Abul Arhu
F"ing Greece is killing the Stock market.. I'm never eating a Gyro or Wearing a Speedo ever again !!!
Who else sniffs their fingers after they scratch their balls ? you have to.. its a verification "Yup thats me right there!"
I Get so Emotional when I'm peeling Onions..!
To this day I have always wondered why Curly never farted on Moes Face .....
The fastest way to succeed is to look as if you're playing by somebody else's rules, while quietly playing by your own.
One of the advantages of being disorderly is constantly making exciting discoveries.
THEY'RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU'RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU'RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
My performance as "guy pretending to be on phone avoiding eye contact w/ aggressive homeless guy," is getting some early Oscar buzz.
Other Names kicked around before settling on Great White: 1. Fabulous White 2. Hella White 3. Jumbo White 4. Big Ass White 5. Superb White 