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why drink and drive when you can.....drink and watch tv 
Well you can kiss Richard Dawson goodbye...R.I.P
excited my "Spaceballs: The Flamethrower" finally arrived today!
unwritten rule of the day...avoid eye contact, while eating a banana
Google where is my girlfriend? I can't find her!
I could wish you the best, but then you already been with me.
God made us plain and simple, but we have made ourselves complicated and difficult.
I'm planning a trip to the Virgin Islands. Trust me.. when I get back, you can just refer to them as the Islands.
they say we need to do more for the mexican people, which I think we do cause the fences arent electric.
I really feel the techniques on the Dog Whisperer could work on some problematic human beings too.
Am I the only one who gets creeped out at all the solar lights flashing in cemetaries these days?...To me it looks like thousands of corpses are holding up their cigarette lighters waiting for the last song at a Grateful Dead concert to be played.
I don't give a sh*t how many of my FB friends liked "Walmart" ur just not gonna convice me to hit that button!
One loyal Girlfriend is worth more than one hundred hoes..
Dear girls who take a pic in slutty clothing & glasses & label the caption "nerddd lol" You're not a nerd, you're a w$ore who found glasses
People who make me do a slight jog because they hold the door open for me when I'm 15 feet away are the first to die when I become God.
HIGH SCHOOL made everyone either cool , uncool , bisexual , real , fake , pregnant , dropouts , alcoholics , pot heads or somewhere in jail.
Life is like a p*nis, it's short but it seems so long when it gets hard.
I wonder what the blood alcohol level is of all these mosquitos that keep biting me?
Baby, are you Jealous? "No..." "Babe, you Jealous?" "NO!" "Baby, can I get a kiss?" "GO AND GET A KISS FROM THE H$E THAT LIKED YOUR STATUS!"
I hear someone's going around stealing all the coffee from the poor. I don't know how he can sleep at night, 