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The same fat ass who won't get off the couch for days will look like an Olympic speed walker when the pizza guy rings the doorbell. 
I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, tossing my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down.
If you don't listen to songs you loved in high school while you're drunk & cry as you text your HS gym teacher, than neither do I.
Anyone that says "time is money" has never tried pay for a beer with 15 minutes.
Just once on Cops, Id like to see a shirtless criminal try to skip away from the cops instead of running
No matter how long or how thick they come in, I'm never satisfied!! Damn mascara!!!
Reasons people claim to be gay: 3% - are actually gay 97% - forgot to log out of facebook
Just tried to park my car like Ace Ventura and now me and several other people are on our way to the nearest hospital.
ok boys The proper response to give when a girl at the bar agrees to give you her phone number is not "wow, really?"
I'm allergic to people with peanut allergies. I end up choking to death because thats what happens when you put a whole person in your mouth
Does Spiderman cry every time he passes a box of Uncle Ben's rice in the supermarket?
I bet Biggie and Tupac would be impressed by how Drake and Chris Brown are having a tweet war.
yes, people who are incredible still have to take out the trash - Mrs. Hulk
I always introduce the women I date to my mom right away. It would be awkward if I didn't, she's the one who drives us to the restaurant.
I texted my girlfriend "goodnight, love you" but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
In other birthday news, Cory Hart turns 50. He now wears his bifocals at night.
Obese people are roll models.
I don't need to watch TNT for drama, I have Facebook.
Ladies, Put your boobs back in your shirt, smile instead of doing that duck face and put your middle finger down. Have some self-respect.
Men in black 3? How about the fresh prince of bel-air season 7? 