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I sent my girl to the mall with my credit card so I can relax and watch TV. I have a feeling I will pay for it later. 
Sorry I offended you when I called you a slut. I had no idea you thought it was a secret.
Man, those Brits are jubilee-ing their balls off.
Political views are like children. Some people don't have one or want one. Others keep trying to show theirs off.
My most recent workout,, was trying to find that "starting edge" of the toilet paper roll.
If your coffee order is more than six words long, including "thank you," I hope a raccoon rummages through your a$$hole.
Forget flying cars... I want Futurama's complex system of air tubes that take us everywhere....Weeeee !
You know you're a slut if you know how to make eye contact while giving a bl0wjob.
I hate it when I forget I'm watching a show on DVR and I accidentally watch all the commercials.
Try saying "good luck" without sounding sarcastic..... Good luck.
One advantage of going to sleep drunk: The bed bugs leave you alone.
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door...... Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
No matter how hard you try, you can't mail a fart.
Hired a violent monkey to beat up my enemies. I call him Injurious George.
“Oh wow, way better!” -Jedi Knight trying out a gun
I think the only way I'll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I'm in prison.
my mum always told me never to call it quits...but I rebelled so I just gave my son the name "quits"
Today is more of a ROF than a ROFL day.
My dream job would be taking a baseball bat to the knees of anyone parked in a handicapped spot who shouldn't be
Name a dead game show host best known for kissing every woman who appeared on the show. Survey says? 