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Kill your haters with kindness. Gift wrap explosives. 
I always thought GTFO meant Great, Terrific, Fantastic, & Outstanding... so, I guess all those people weren't paying me compliments after all!
Huggies now offers a diaper called "Little Swimmers;" which I believe are what actually cause the babies in the 1st place.
Filled out the "Are You Depressed?" questionnaire and it turns out I just have mild diabetes and the desire to shoot people in the face.
Every time I see a bottle labeled "personal lubricant" I shudder to think of the public kind.
I cooked a live Lobster in the microwave and now I have a giant mutant lobster in my living room demanding to watch The Little Mermaid.
I relate to your inability to relate to people. Let's talk about hanging out but never follow through.
dancing and singing with headphones......apparently frowned upon in court.
just got dumped by a pity-sex partner.....she looked like joe dirt....I think I just hit rock bottom.
Dr. Phil and Oprah..two of the most over-rated influences on America EVER!!!!!
my mom used to say, "dont give me any of your guff"...looked it up..40 yrs ltr..says trivial, worthless talk or ideas...heeeyyy, thats demeaning
secretly happy the heatwave killed my lawn..does that make me a no-mow
Aww Crap, Monday found me again.
There are two rules for success... 1. Never reveal everything you know
Imagine a life without facebook where you would actually have to watch the news again...
well... it's about that time to give my pillow some head
My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex, so I dumped her.
Sad reality:Your stingy boy friend is another girl's ATM
She said she wanted to get a facial, but then she got mad when I came on her face!
My life: Wake up, mess sh*t up, have fun, sleep, repeat. 