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My girlfriend went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her "b!tch refresher course". 
Tried quitting my job today. But they just laughed and threw me back in my cell.
I chewed my gum for so long, it completely lost it's sweetness, elasticity and turned into goop. So I spit it out. Now I know how all the ladies feel.
A co-worker said to me, "Could you be any more annoying?" So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.
Just remember ladies, if nice guys finish last, that means you came first.
I'm not really a social drinker. I'd say most of my drinking is work related.
Always look for the good in everyone… if you can't find it, you probably need another drink.
I am an Illegal! I came to take your job. But you don't have one to take!!!
Apparently putting toothpaste on your ass DOES NOT stop you from being raped in prison. So much for complete cavity protection.
The day I bother to care who doesn't like me around here as opposed to enjoying those who do... is the day I'll kill myself.
I am sorry but I can't understand you with your clothes on.
Confused the Facebook status box with Google search, and I don't have to go to any more family functions.
A fun thing to do in the checkout line is to take one thing from the cart in front of you and see if they notice. Last week I took a baby.
I want to spread you open and lick you over and over. Wife - Are you talking to your Oreos again?!
I'd never date a woman that's more muscular than I am. Unless she forced me to. I mean what could I do?
I'm not saying she's a sl*t but whenever she eats a banana in public, she puts one hand behind her head.
Hey I found your nose! It was in everyone elses business again!!!
Just going through my old FB statuses & deleting the ones no one liked so I don't look lame.
"Another day, Another dollar" -Some loser who only makes $365 a year
I'm so hilarious I even smell funny. 