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I saved my girlfriends phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'. Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly. 
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn't make me excited, pull the plug.
I talk to an imaginary live studio audience when I'm making dinner.
I've been struggling with my laziness. I can't decide if I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing.
Nothing says 'I mean business' like using a grocery cart at the liquor store.
Michael Vick announced that he is probably going to get another Dog soon! Dogs now are like ''Meow!''
I would love to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.
Just got this text message, not sure if it's spam:"Congratulations! You have won A £50 of shopping vouchers or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize, press 1 for the money, 2 for the show..."
Bill the serial flasher was thinking of retiring, but he's decided he's gonna stick it out for another year.
Let's be honest. She does NOT got Betty Davis eyes. She's on drugs.
Went to the movies in costume tonight just to find out that they were sold out! Felt a little out of place dressed as Batman sitting through the Katy Perry movie.
I hate when people say, " I gotta get my body right for the summer" I mean That's great and all, but who is going to fix your face?
Ok, I know all of you have been sitting on the edge of your seats today waiting for this news....... I had Domino's pizza for dinner.... Don't be hatin! Sometimes ya gotta spoil yourself.
"Why Do We Fall, Master Wayne...?" - Alfred
I am going to open a breakfast restaurant that only serves egg white omelets, and only plays John Lennon music and I will call it “Yoke O No”
I like my women like I like my coffee, sent back for not being hot enough…
Mike Tyson has beat every opponent he's ever faced but the letter S
Lazy rule. As soon as I get under the blanket covers, all of today's responsibilities, become tomorrow's problem.
Silly phone, that wasn't a missed call. That was a “I looked and saw who it was and pressed ignore” call.
My mother always told me if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all... And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them. 