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Everything I know about the metric system, I learned from watching Farva on "Super Troopers". 
The saddest part of Harrison Ford turning 70 is how easily he could still kick my butt.
Dear Amy Winehouse, I would like to take this moment to congratulate you on a full 12 months of being sober, keep up the great work.
It's all fun and games til you lose your wifi..........ok, wife!
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!......It'll take them an hour to pass the salt!!!
Scientific Fact: The gravitational pull of cleavage on men's eyes is incredibly strong and cannot be fought.
Scientist believe that coworkers are the main reason why humans developed middle fingers.
I need breakfast! If I were any more hungry right now, Brad and Angelina would adopt me
I didn't post this status somebody else made it happen!!!
I want start up my own towing company in Iraq and call it "Camel Towing".....
So, Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar... and doesn't.
When I first met you, I got this tingling sensation. Then I realized my phone was on vibrate...
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end!!!
I'm going to make a plethora of bad decisions today to help cover up the plethora of bad decisions I made yesterday.
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven't left yet...
Frogs always look like they just found out there's no free Wi-Fi.
Hey, everybody under 25 just shut up for like FIVE minutes.
It's that time of the night when I openly taunt my ceiling fan for not having the guts to fall and crush me in my sleep.
Free Tip: If a prostitute has nice teeth and carries a purse, she's a cop.
Dear Guys who chew gum like a cow eating grass; Thanks for making it so damn easy to look classy next to you. Sincerely, Me. 