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Dont take me for granted, because I will leave your a$$ in at a moments notice! 
Music becomes my best friend when nobody else understands me.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need damn smarter friends.
Say Hello to my little friend (҂`_´) < ,︻╦̵̵̿╤─ ҉ ~~~ • • • \
There is a button on my oven that says ‘stop time'. I am pretty sure it means ‘stop timER' but I don't push it just in case.
That weird awkward run you do when a car lets you cross the street.
Half of my Facebook friends are still there solely because their life is a train wreck and it's entertaining.
The only thing I know about Women: They don't like being told what to do unless they're naked.
Sometimes I look at my friends and think to myself, "Where did I meet these crazy people?" But then I think "What would I do without them?"
When you have a baby, does a hormone in your body force you to make your baby your Facebook profile picture?
I don't get married because the person I like has been already taken.
Obama qoute 2008 ''Navy seal team Six is Cheneys private assanation team! Obama qoute 2011 ''I put together Navy seal team Six to take out Bin Laden!''
I may have been born at night, but I wasnt born LAST night...
Like my daddy always said, "just because it kills your liver, dont mean it aint medicine."
I was so poor growing up, we had to use BOTH sides of the toilet paper.
Did anyone else leave the new Dark Knight movie looking forward more to the next Anne Hathaway movie than another sub par attempt at the Dark Knight
The reason you can't go back afrer going black is because none of them have a car to take you back or a job to buy gas.
O.K.,,, That's ENOUGH !,, This is the 3rd hose-fight I've broken up today,, And the 2nd one involving actual hoses......
I told the NCAA I was a Penn State fan and they "vacated" my last 15 birthdays which restores me to my early 20's...Anyone up for a game of beer pong tonight? ツ
I'm one of those guys who can eat whatever I want and not get pregnant. 