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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing 
Apparently the “stop” button on Internet Explorer means “stop and also show me a blank useless screen regardless of what is visible when I press this button”
Dear 'K", Thanks for being there for me when times get awkward. Sincerely, Got nothing to say.
Son: Dad, why'd you name me Achilles? He's from greek mythology. Dad: Well son, you broke through the trojan wall.
A lion would never cheat on his wife... But a tiger wood...
Teens moms, calling yourself a mother because you gave birth is like calling me a doctor, because I own Band-aids.
If there was an accepted currency worldwide, it would be Beer.
Vending machines are so homophobic. I'm sorry my dollar is not straight enough for you.
: The average man can't tell if a woman is about to give him a kiss or a slap in his face.
If I didnt have to pay any taxes id be rich too.
When I married miss right, I didn't know her name would change to Mrs Always Right.
MTV has announced the cancellation of the show "Jersey Shore." Please join me in a moment of silence. OK, that was too long.
Did you know that you gotta fight for your right to party?
Google should change it's name to "Skynet".
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely
I used to work at the post office, I told people I was a mail escorts...
Wear jeans every day and nobody cares. Wear a shirt twice in a row and you're suddenly homeless in the eyes of everyone.
Some of you people would be better off on a site called TwoFacedBook instead.
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they're absolutely right because smart men don't get married.
I swear girls can be so ungrateful sometimes, I made her breakfast in bed, and instead of saying "Thank you", she's all like... "How the hell did you get into my house?!?!" 