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People tweeting............ "Damn it's September already?" What TF you thought came after August?! August Jr? 
My EX sent me a text today saying "Happy Anniversary" I replied, best one yet.
Back in my day we didn't have all these types of birth control. We only had "OH HELL NO!" And we used it.
Conspiracy theorists are paid for by the government to distract people from actual government conspiracies.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
Do the Chinese realize that when they're visiting America, they buy souvenirs made in their own country?
Happy labor day to all the moms out there....oh, you mean that's not what it means?
If I woke up beside you every morning, I would be a morning person.
Friend: "What should be engraved on the inside of my husband-to-be's wedding ring? I want something that has meaning and will remind him of me." Me:"PUT IT BACK ON!"
I'm not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
Hand a man a jump rope and I will tell you if he is a sissy or not.
the sun can kiss the moon goodbye, a flower can kiss a butterfly, wine can kiss a frosted glass and you my friend can kiss my arse
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss," I assume that means they didn't do it at all and are merely taking credit for it
Partying, YOLO. Forever alone, SOLO. Marco, POLO. Condom broke, OHNO. You like men, HOMO. B!tches be crazy, FOSHO. Run bro run!, POPO.
Even though the little kid was having a tantrum, his mom was unphased. "You might as well give up on the crying," I heard her say as she led him to the store exit. "You're stuck with me for 18 years."
“Leftover Bacon” – a phrase you've never heard before.!!!
Just brushing my teeth & putting on deodorant when out of nowhere I hear, "You're going to have to pay for that!" This Wal-Mart sucks.
I'm on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle.!!!
They say you should keep your friends close, but your enemies even closer. So I'm getting married next week. 