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great day!!! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!!! 
What's so cool about taking a picture of a bathroom mirror?
I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He's still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.
Mexican word of the day "wheelchair": Juan and I only have one taco, but is ok, wheelchair.
My wife must like it doggie style. Every time I mention sex she hides under the bed…
To be honest, I really don't give a damn. I lose friends, I make friends, and I make enemies everyday. Regardless, I'm still going to be me.
I don't like the cut of your gib and ya got no mojo!
Women are the only people who can go out broke and come home drunk.
I think I'm emotionally constipated, cause I haven't given a sh!t in days.
I noticed my wife slip a box of headache tablets into her handbag before she left the house this morning. At least I know she's not cheating on me.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
I was having s3x with my wife and stopped and asked, "Did I hurt you?" "No. Why do you think you hurt me?" "Because you moved."
I'm not saying my ex was frigid, but to put it in computer terms, I would call her a "pop-up blocker"
What's the diffence between my wife and our dog? You have to command the dog to 'play dead'. The wife automatically does it when she hears stairs creaking.
I told the wife earlier that I wanted a sex change. From no sex, to actually having some.
Just because something is meant for kids doesn't mean it won't be amusing for adults. B00bs are a great example of this.
Phoned up my neighbour this morning to tell him that his Pekingese made a big mess in my front yard. Also, that he owes me a new lawn mower blade.
My girlfriend has been trying out her new schoolgirl outfit I brought her earlier today. Which is a shame........Can't believe she's back to school on Monday already.
I'm surprised more workplace violence isn't motivated by the vending machine's refusal to accept a dollar bill.
According to my employee handbook I am only required to show up sober. There is nothing saying I can't start drinking once I get here...take that HR lady 