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The perfect woman: 1. Beautiful but doesn't let it get to her head. 2. Intelligent without needing to prove it. 3. Funny as hell. 
When a woman tells me her lawn needs mowing, I get an entirely different picture in my head.
"Morning sex" is more efficient than coffee when trying to wake up and stay awake throughout the day
I have a bad case of the mondays only it's everyday and it's called existence.
It pisses me off when a woman takes up space with her stroller on the bus. I mean, where am I supposed to put my mountain bike?
Every time you start thinking of your dog as human, they do something like eat poop. Then you think of them as German humans.
I'll pretty much sleep with anyone on the first date if their emails have good spelling, punctuation, and grammar.
Just remembered I still have a game of hide and seek going on from the forth grade... I hope he's okay!?
Fifty Shades of Grey, has many "happy endings".
Women could be hiding unicorns in female restrooms and we would never know.
Sitting on a cornflake waiting for the van to come.
Mission Impossible: Not eating a French Fry on the way home from the drive thru.
I hate when I walk into Abercrombie and Fitch and I see pictures of me, all over their walls..
It's one hEll of a crime if you're ugly with a bad attitude at the same time!!
I'm getting too old to drop it like it's hot, so I'm just gonna squat like its warm!!!
Call me lazy… but if it takes four clicks, I'm not reading it!!!!!
the replacement referees in the NFL are actually footlocker employees taken from the nearest mall to the stadium
Wait...you mean "Angry Birds" is NOT the Britcom Version of "The Golden Girls"?
My brain is 80% song lyrics, 15% passwords and 5% important $hit…
dear fellow pranksters, if you are planning on pranking a telemarketer by answering with "i killed him" first make sure it is a telemarketer. sincerely, the one with a terrified grandmother 