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Screw milkshakes, vodka and weed are the reason why I am in your yard. 
Kids you think you'll never use math, then the next thing you know you're trying to work out percentages in alcoholic beverages.
I wish I could afford an Iphone5 like that girl in front of me in line on food stamps
They should just create a channel called "Trash TV" & put all of the trashy shows on it. Their slogan can be "We'll rot your brain." Putting trashy shows on TLC & MTV gives a false sense of security.
got the best Halloween costume for his P@nis: Tube Sock Shakur.
BREAKING: Lady Gaga gains weight, decides to release new single "Porker Face".
If you can't use your turn signals, you should not be trusted with the rest of the car either.
Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.
This morning I was standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I'm going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
There needs to be an app that deletes my memberships right before my free trials run out.
If you're on the treadmill next to me, the answer is “Yes. We are racing.”
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.
I desperately need a "hide political posts" button on Facebook so I can still like all my friends after the election year is over.
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
Dear coworkers, I am never going to eat anything you cooked and brought in. I've seen the quality of your work here and I value my life.
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don't know what everyone's talking about, you can't read books on this thing
"GOOD MORNING COFFEE"....Meet your maker!!!!
I can't even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
there's that old saying that "you are what you eat" so for Halloween i'm thinking of passing out dum dum suckers to the neighborhood kids
iPhone 5...still better than Twilight. 