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I've come up with a new chapstick that helps fat people lose weight. I call it "Superglue." 
No smartphones for my kids. They need to suffer from years of fleeting, awkward eye contact with strangers like I did.
My boyfriend says I treat him like a child. So I gave him a sticker for standing up for himself.
I hope the woman of my dreams delivers pizza, otherwise I'm never gonna meet her
That wonderful feeling when your anus itches and your fart vibrates just enough to satisfy the itch...
Tonight I saw a man pull the stick from his corn dog and eat it without the stick. It was me. I did that. I am capable of anything.
I am not an alcoholic... I have an alcohol fetish.
Can I still call it mimosa if its in a flask?
Somewhere out there is a legitimate Nigerian Prince crying into a huge pile of cash.
The only math I'm good at is adding insult to injury.
I like picking fights with myself simply because the make-up masturbation is sooo good.
If you're a grown ass man, and I can see your gum when you chew it, you get throat punched. Grandma's rules, sorry.
If ladies were labeled heroes instead of sluts for sleeping around too much, us guys would be having a lot more sex. Someone screwed up here.
Spooning For girls: A nice, warm and cozy cuddle. Spooning For guys: A dead arm, a face full of hair and an awkward erection you can't do anything about.
You have a face that makes me want to learn karate.
There comes a time when it's just time to come.
Can I come over and mess up your hair and makeup?
I surely believe in Hate at first sight for no reason !!
I'm glad the real referees are back... my fantasy ref team has really suffered.
Dyslexia killed my dog. Vegetarians don't know the first thing about animal surgery. 