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"if people say something BAD about you, JUDGE you as if they know you,don't easily get affected by this .Remember this, DOGS bark if they don't know the person" 
If I ever go missing I want my picture on a beer bottle rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.
woke up this morning to a little frost on the pumpkins. Guess it's time to start wearing a bra again.
When I bang my toe against something it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
I really have no idea what a Kardashian is but,,,, From what I can gather, it's an exercise bike for basketball players.
Apparently the NFL replacement Refs now work as tape-delay guys at Fox News....
People say "when your palm itches, you are going to receive money". My butt itches... I bet I don't get SH*T¡
Today I will be signing books at Barnes and Noble until they kick me out for vandalizing books again. Come say hello!
I'm not saying I'm tired but I did just try to unlock a door with my wallet.
These replacement refs are so bad that in a taste test between Coke and Pepsi, they picked Sprite.
"Vigorous sex can give you temporary amnesia." To be honest, sex with me is pretty forgettable anyway...
It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a Kardashian as their favorit celeb.
Me: Tell me about yourself. Her: Well, I love to laugh! Me: Wow, how unique! Next…
bacon shortage?? Well played vegatarians, well played...
Not sure how I feel about this potential BACON shortage...Save The Squeals.
I got so frustrated watching my wife play Kinect sports earlier that I smashed the controller against the wall.
Dating a single mother: It's like continuing from somebody else's saved game.
I hate how many French people play Call of Duty 4, you usually get 'host ended game' before any bullets have been fired.
My wife told me she's loving me because I don't listen to her properly.
The first rule of iPhone 5 club is you tell everyone about iPhone 5 club. 