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if at first you don't succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You'll be amazed of much less you care.. 
Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts :: Others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
I just saw an honest political leader, riding a unicorn.
Life is short. Do as much damage as you can.
This man needs to change. I'll whine and moan at him until he does. That'll work - Women
I only phone my boss from the toilet because thats the only place where he makes any sense.
Truthful Tuesday: I used to be "that b itch from accounting".
It hurts when you touch it, I think you should lick it instead.
If I was a spider, I'd build my webs on a starving African child's face. Hello, all-u-can-eat fly buffet!
Real men should never say, "hehehe", it's "hahaha" or you shut up!
When Australians count sheep it's similar to normal people counting how many people you've had sex with.
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first cup of coffee for the day.
I'll let you hold my son before I ever let you hold my beer. Which is probably a good idea since I'll be too drunk to do it myself.
Currently building a rocket ship for the next girlfriend that tells me she needs some space.
walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. "That's total bollocks" I replied. By text, from across the road.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I'm watching how to make ice cream.
Taylor swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn't wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.
Teacher: Come on! You learned this in 3rd grade! Me: I don't even remember what I ate for breakfast...
Old girlfriend sent me a text saying "I miss you" so I replied "We're sorry, but the subscriber you are trying to reach does not care"
I bet even Tony Romo's throw pillows end up on the wrong couch. 