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UNINSTALLING OBAMA..... █████████████▒▒▒▒▒▒ 89% complete. 
Be careful when clicking links on FB. There is a new one going around that says if you click it, it goes to a page where you can get the new Nickelback album for free. When you click it, it takes you to a page to get the new Nickelback album for free. :/
I was feeling a little under the weather. But surprisingly, I got down from my desk chair and I felt better? It must have been the high altitude.....
One man's potato is another man's vodka.
Resist the urge to argue with idiots.
What I lack in confidence, I make up for in whisky.
Of course I do respect the dead. I don't respect anyone unless they are dead anyway.
I ate so much Chinese food this week I can feel my d ick getting smaller. Related: eating fried chicken all next week.
I only look in your bathroom medicine cabinet to see how much we have in common.
If you dance like no one's watching you, you will never get laid.
If I get arrested, I am going to ask for a tweet instead of a phone call.
Lady in front of us in 15 items or less lane with about 30 items, so I smiled and said "Math wasn't your strongest subject,was it?"
Alcohol is god's way of telling you you're pretty.
Lucky for you there seems to be no shortage of people willing to settle for less than they deserve.
If I say something profoundly insulting and you think it's about you, might be time to reevaluate who you really are.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My girlfriend doesn't have any superpowers, per se, but she is pretty good at making me forget my name using only her tongue.
My dog likes to stand and stare at the front door for no reason because he knows the idea of unexpected visitors freaks me out.
Just went down to get my driver's license renewed but this time I made sure I was drunk for the picture. Now if I ever get pulled over for drunk driving, they'll just think I'm spastic.
Our love making is great but it's the talking, cuddling and intimacy I enjoy the most…..ok, she's gone. It's really the sex!! 