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The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer. 
Whole Foods sells $10 gift cards... The perfect gift for a loved one who wants two onions.
Trying to get my mom in the Bronx,, to call the hurricane and talk at it until it just gives up and leaves.
OMG! MY ROOM IS SO DIRTY!! Oh nevermind, I found febreeze.
To all the faatt h oezss that only take pics from the neck up .... good try but I'm a master a detecting hippos
Pfft, you are seeking advice from a fortune cookies. Go ahead and listen to your cookies if you want, everybody knows the real advice comes from the Taco Bell Sauce packs.
Looks like Hurricane Sandy got tired of Jersey Shore as well.
At the movies now... Frankenweenie, Fun Size, and Here Comes the Boom. Sounds like a typical weekend in college.
Flooding, check... Earthquake, check... Hurricane, check,,,, Locusts..where are my damn locusts?......... That's it,, I'm calling the exec. producer
A salesman knocks on the door of a home, and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a burning cigar in one hand and half a bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Is your mom or dad home? " The boys says , "Does it look like it?"
I went to the store today to stock up on bread, beer, and Captain Morgan just in case Hurricane Sandy decides to double back to NC..... Always good to be prepared...
Hey Bill, do you talk to your wife during sex..."Only if there is a phone handy!!"
Woman, us men salute you. Your ability to take a load in the eye and up the nose when we miss your mouth, like a champ, is recognised
There is nothing a drunk me and some bullets can't fix.
I want my 15 mins of fame to happen in the bedroom.
The only way to be the best husband or boyfriend in the world is by listening and not talking.
"Hurricane Sandy roars up the east coast generating 80mph winds and substantial precipitation." Big deal. Want to impress me? Stand directly in front of my GF after I come home drunk from the bar at 3am for more then 5 minutes.
My bud just updated his Facebook status: "I love my girlfriend so much. You are my world xxxxx." I wonder why her name's encrypted.
Just saw a laundry soap advertisement showing how it can even remove dried up blood stains off of clothing. If you're clothing is covered in dried blood, I'm thinking that's not your biggest problem.
I want to be the reason your pants tighten. 