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Today when you are looking at your pay-stub, keep in mind that the 48 million people on welfare like you!! 
wondering what wine goes best with cheerios?
Dance like the photo's not being tagged. Love like you've never been unfriended. Sing like nobody's following. Share like you care. And do it all like it won't end up on FACEBOOK.
That sense of entitlement, where do I get one of those?
Boss: You can't drink while you're working! Me: Oh, I'm not working.
If crazy were a place, it would be here.
Great minds think alike. But dirty minds think the same.
Oh I get it. Winnie the Pooh Bear can climb a tree with no pants, but when I have a few drinks and do it, people start freaking out.
You're not a real man until you've electrocuted yourself.
I don't mean to brag, but I unclog all my own pipes.
The doctor said to treat my daughter's scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I bite my own lip because I can't bite yours.
Funny how when a woman is drunk and walks in your door to have violent sex, it's all fun. But when I do the same thing, I'm being arrested?
I like woman who are mentally stable and sexually unstable.
I thought I had a real feeling today. Turned out I was just sober.
Sorry young dub-steppers. We used up all the best drugs and beats 15 years ago. Back to the drawing board, kids
I greet all conflict with a joke, a smile and a laugh. It's not that I'm the bigger man. It just makes my enemies hate me so much more.
If you ever see me drinking alcohol (I don't drink) or see me being a slut (I'm a good girl).......whatever you do, don't stop me.
There's a reason why natural disasters have female names.
C0ndoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. 