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Age 11: “I whip my hair back & forth!” Age 27: “I drive my kids back & forth!” Age 72: “I rock my chair back & forth!” 
I feel confident that Laim Neeson would be there for me if I listed him as my emergency contact.
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness.
Saying “Hey, I just met you, and this is Crazy..” is how I used to introduce my ex to new people.
A relationship where you can act like complete idiots together is the sweetest thing ever.
Texts that piss me off: 1. Yeah 2. Oh 3. Yup 4. Lol 5. Haha 6. K 7. Nope 8. Chillin 9. Naw
The moment when someone's zipper is down & you don't know whether to tell, because you can't explain why you were looking that low.
I hate when movies say "May contain nudity." Well does it doesn't it? I don't want to waste my time.
Sooner or later you will see the BIG PICTURE God is painting for your life instead of just the colors He's using at the moment so dont get your panties all up in a knot
I'm thankful I'm a dude and don't have to post that BS every day this month...
as I'm getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who's staying on and say,, “You're in charge while I'm gone.”
I put the FU in FUN :)
thinks you should take up jogging!! Zombies hate fast food.
On Sunday, don't forget to turn your clocks back an hour. And on Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years...VOTE!!!
thinking..what if I'm sexy and I don't know it?
It took me 20 years to figure out that pop tarts taste better in the toaster. It was truly a life changing experience.
NYC cancelled the marathon. Well if they are already here instead of running why not see who can clean up the fastest
that universal face somebody makes when their thinking "wtf did I just put in my mouth?"
I always stuff the bird on Thanksgiving.
You look like you would ruin my life. Let's have sex. -women 