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Tuesday on 'Ancient Hoarders' - A concerned Jerusalem couple fights to save their son Noah from his spiraling animal collection. 
My bed is like a little p0rn movie set, except for the lights, cameras and action.
I'm tired of the stereotypes people have about the Irish. As soon as I finish this beer I'm leaving the bar and kicking someone's ass.
I drink coffee every morning so that I don't bite your head off, so don't say I never do anything for you.
You say you want to get away from your demons, yet you come running to me.
But what if a Liverpool fan actually wants to walk alone so that he can fart in privacy?
You can't prove Jesus wasn't a T-Rex either.
To stay organized I wear cargo pants and a fishing vest yet I can never find a thing, like my lighter or keys or a girlfriend...
I think it's pointless to haggle over price with hookers when you're just going to kill them anyway and take your money back.
Kanye West has a pair of $90,000 shoes and he still can't figure out why people hate him.
its Sunday morning and I'm in a liquor store wearing nothing but a bathing suit and flipflops..so yes Mrs. cashier..im pretty sure I dont need a reciept
Justin Bieber and Selena have broken...dammit they were my favorite lesbian couple!!
Seeing a spider is not a problem. It becomes a problem when you can no longer see it.
I'm finally ready to tell my parents they're gay
I finally got a new prophetic leg... I'm starting physical therapy on Monday.... Also Courteney Cox dies while parasailing next May...
FAXT: you are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark
I think I deserve a bunch of "likes" just for deleting all the crap I had in my drafts folder...
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
I want to have kids because I think I'd look really good in pictures with them.
I'm skipping The Big Bang Theory tonight because I didn't do the previous episode's homework assignment. 