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My Christmas card this year is going to be a photo of a me in a recliner drinking a beer while watching football. It will say "Happy Holidays from a single guy." 
At the end of my dinner the waiter asks "wanna box" so I got up and knocked him out. I bet he won't ask that question again.
I have to assume these next four weeks are incredibly difficult for anyone whose grandma actually was run over by a reindeer.
GOP today: Dems never get serious abuot spending. GOP in 2011: The spending cuts we got Ds to agree to were major concessions.
If you eat 4 pieces of pizza without separating them, it counts as just 1....dieting still on.......
Sarcasm 2012 style "Why don't you Gangnam style your way off the nearest cliff?"
Definition of laziness : It's a talent of taking rest before you get tired..........coz prevention is better than cure
I Diet religiously.........I eat what I want, then Pray I don't gain any Weight
Having the worst day ever. There was no Traffic, All the roundabouts I passed were being cleared so fast I had to stop on the side of the road to read Facebook posts
I'm the type of person who gains weight just by LOOKING at the dessert that I'm finishing
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says "Haha good one!" and we laugh and laugh and take a nap
2012...End of the WORLD... 2013 ... End of the Rumor...
The first thing I do when someone introduces themselves to me is forget what their name is
Dreamed I fell asleep at work and it freaked me out when I woke up there
If you take more than 5 pictures of your face and you don't like any, you should probably stop trying and accept the fact that you're ugly
My Wife told me that in some cultures Men do all the housework and cooking, so I told her in some cultures shopping every Sunday don't exist. She's busy Cooking now
People SMOKE & DRINK for few days & get addicted.......Look at me. I am WORKING for all these years, but not YET ADDICTED to WORK. This is called "SELF CONTROL"
- I like my women like I like my Internet porn blocker....disabled.
At the end of my dinner the waiter asks "wanna box" so I got up and knocked him the f out. I bet he will think twice about asking that question again.
Watching Nightmare Before Christmas with a nice mug of wine and a bag of Doritos. This is the post-graduate life. 