Funny Status Messages

   I don't expect a perfect relationship. I just need you to hold back my hair when I vomit and break up my fights when I drink whiskey.

   You were a lot more attractive before you posted pictures of your boyfriend.

   My pot never calls the kettle 'black' because I don't buy talking marijuana

   My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."

   Marriage tip: When times get tough, never tell a woman she needs to "sacrifice." Women do not like this term. Always say "prioritize."

   Throwing ammonia on pandas creates pandamonium.

   I have a thing for women with dark hair and dark eyes, and that thing is called a p enis.

   My Girlfriend is a terrible cook..... In our house we pray after we eat.

   I am woman, hear me give you the silent treatment.

   For a boot that has been left outside since the early ‘90s, Kevin Bacon aged pretty well.

   If you think accidentally calling a fat woman "pregnant" is bad, you should see what happens when you call a pregnant woman "fat."

   I'd let you hold my boob before I'd let you hold my cell phone.

   I may not be as happy as you, but I make up for it with tequila and denying my problems exist.

   I'm not ignoring you, I'm just not taking any notice.

   You're from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can't decide which.

   People have a tendency to become like they are treated. If they are not like all the others, you might want to treat them differently.

   This misfiring soap dispenser reminds me of you!

   If you make me a mix tape don't ever expect to be rid of me.

   I'm the one your mother warned you about......to never let me be the one that got away.

   I love the taste of tuna, but I'm not a fan of the smell. This is true about something else as well, but I can't put my finger in it. Hmm.