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Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day... Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV,,, and you can sleep for an extra hour. 
An ATM machine that gives you a hug and whispers 'Everything will be ok' into your ear when you check your account balance would be AWESOME!
"You'll be hearing from my attorney!" Is usually what I tell random strangers leaving a public restroom.
If I made cars I'd put an inflatable shark in place of an airbag in 1 out of every 100 cars just for fun.
So, you're telling me my credit score should have three digits?
This girl on Facebook is dying her hair blonde tonight. Omg she's nervous, you guys.
Santa's reindeer, Donder? Didn't know that, though it was Donner
HOW TO CONFUSE A WOMAN: Buy her a pair of shoes made from chocolate!!!
im gonna be late for work tomorrow!!! if they ask why I'm late.. I'll tell them... last night I realized that my family was a priority. so I woke up them up and we chilled.
Even before my very first birthday I was able to sense it was Christmastime. No...it wasn't Santa, Rudolph, Frosty, Nativity scenes, or a Christmas Tree. It was 'cause my mom put eggnog in my bottle.
All I want for Christmas is you.... to get run over by a reindeer!!!
To mistake me for stupid, is to mistake you for smart.
too hot* blanket off *too cold* Put blanket on *too hot again* Stick on foot out…..perfect. *hears creepy noise* Sticks foot back in
Facebook is neat because it provides a platform for me to connect with old friends, make new ones, and figure out which one's are completely insane.
he songs I like always come on when I'm supposed to be getting out of my car.
if silly bands make her dance... SHES TO YOUNG FOR YOU BRO
I consider myself a social drinker....which means I'm pretty much social all the time.
They always say "love makes the world go around"... They spelled beer wrong.
Read a story about a man who was killed by wave.. All I can think is how big was the other guy's hand?
wishes exercising was just as easy to do as eating is. 