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I am going to buy a sodastream machine. If you piss in it you can make your own Miller Lite,,, 
I just walked in on my roommate while I was masturbating.
the only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn't even been born yet...
My brother's boss just died. It's terribly upsetting. It's terribly upsetting that my brother's always had all the luck.
After 30 years of shopping, my wife still has nothing to wear.
If you're a man who adds extra letters to words like "Heyyy" or "Thanksss", you should be really ashamed of yourself.
I already hate next year.
Other people's children are my form of birth control.
What good is a safe word if your mouth is full?
Sometimes I'm really smart and other times, I'm here scrounging for stuff to p0st..
Whenever I see a lone female jogging at night I follow her in my car from a noticable distance because there are a lot of weirdos out there.
Don't run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule
Skinny girls look good in tight clothes.. butt curvy girls look good naked
With my luck, I'll get into a terrible car accident while wearing my "period underwear."
If you have a hunting license,, it's TOTALLY legal to shoot cars with antlers on them.
Attention Lobsters & Crabs with one super buff claw,,, Please consider working out with the other one sometimes.. You look pretty dumb OK
making a list of people to smack in the head with a fruitcake...
I went to the shrink coz I've been talking to myself. He asked if I had any stress, told him no. He said, "Don't worry about it then...millions of people talk to themselves." I said, "Yeah, but I'm really boring."
If you put reindeer antlers on your car I hope Ted Nugent shoots it
Setting here on the toilet on my iPad playing Draw Something and dropping logs. My morning in a nut shell. 