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Happiness; you have to chase it around, but misery that b itch waits for us around every corner. 
If a man aspires towards a righteous life, his first act of abstinence is from being a douchebag.
While on toilet seats ..... I am sure lot of marriages could have been saved ... If only they had invented a device which dries and wipes the toilet seat automatically after use
There's a knock at my door. Jehovah's Witness. I decided to let him in. I go, "Now what?" He says, "I dunno...I never got this far."
I'm atheist. Swear to god.
The words synonym and antonym are antonyms.. Well played, antonym......... Well played
If I'm ever on life support unplug me,, and then plug me back in again,, and see if that works.
Ten years from now, one of the hardest challenges our kids will face will be finding a username that's still available.
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn't!", he in fact did.
Well, in happier news, I was shocked to step from of the shower and find out I was out of deodorant---so I smeared a magazine sample of Old Spice "night life" under my arms until I get to the store...Macgyver ain't got nothin on me!
I'm not afraid that the world is going to end.... I'm afraid that it isn't going to change....
if he or she cheats on him or her with you than he or she is going to cheat on you .
I dont talk to strangers because they might do something awful... like sell me something!
The best thing a guy can do with a woman who thinks he's stuck on her... is move on to the next one.
Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide?
Luckily, this pretty, single girl has me for a neighbor. My 24 hour surveillance is keeping all the pervs away…
Stop complaing about "humor" if you have nothing to contribute.
still waiting for dane cook to makr a joke about tragedy
i deserve an alcoholiday
this the best we can do? We need to put some humor back on everyones faces, C'mon dig down deep people... 