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Snowed again so I put on clean underwear this morning in case I get in an accident on the way to work 
I was sitting across the bus today from a very sexy Thai girl...and I kept saying to myself "Don't get an erection , Don't get an erection"....But she did
Got a talking scale for Christmas. First thing it said was "one at a time, please..."
So, This 83 year old drives into a bar...
Instagram... Where all guys think they relate to carl zeiss, and all girls are trying their best to look like total prostitues...
italian food has many pastabilities...
perfectly capable of lying about whether or not he likes big butts.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy.
Earlier today I looked at the car next to me, and I saw the driver texting while driving. How dangerous! I was so shocked I almost dropped my guitar.
Please put this on your status if you know someone, are related to, and/or adore someone who has ADD or ADHD. 93% of peo oh snap is that a dog outside?
Get me an alligator sandwich, and make it snappy!
If a typo appears in the dictionary is it officially a new word?
that lesbo teacher from Glee would be more believable as Jack Reacher than Tom Cruise. At least she's 6'3"!!
Just made my plans for New Years Eve at midnight I will be jumping off a 30 foot tall solid gold T-Rex into a swimming pool filled with uncut blow. Naked of course!!!
At a nerd wedding they don`t say, "I do." They say, "I accept the terms and conditions."
after being ignored for 3 months, I've finally taken the hint!
My friend said, "Dude, i'm drunk, call me a cab." I handed him a beer and said, "You're a cab." (true story)
First rule of the fight club should be: "Do not eat beans before the fight"
I guess since you can't adopt Russian children anymore, you will just have to wait until they are old enough to be a mail order bride.
I live my life without regrets, except for that one time I said "I do." 