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I don't know whats worse reading Ikea furniture directions or being a Tooth Pick Salesman in West Virgina 
Just checked the burgers in the fridge.... And they're off.....
Now, I'm not making any accusations, here. All I'm saying is it's a little suspicious when a farmer decides to call his pig "Babe"...
Drunk Girls: Can you take a picture of us? Me: Sure! Drunk Girls: You just took a picture of the floor. Me: It's better this way.
I just got out of bed and decided I'd trim that annoying hair on my eyebrow that kept getting in my eye last night... Now I have half an eyebrow
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn't mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
I only do what I’m told when I like what I am told.
My wife told me to change my kid’s diaper, but we were at a crowded playground and it was SO much easier to just change kids instead.
A good relationship is when the man thinks twice before every decision the woman makes.
There was so much drug abuse on the Tour it shouda been called the Tour De Roid.
I'm never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken...
I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pi*sed. Not my fault they don't have Windows.
an intelligent carbon based lifeform.
"Watch what the idiots are doing and do the opposite." ~ Robert Kiyosaki
if the weed did make Lance perform better, those baseball players are gonna feel silly for injecting steroids that shrink their junk
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
wonders if dogs do it human style
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don't stop long enough for you to reply!
Let the bros at the urinals around you know everything's alright by nodding and whispering, "that's better."
You look me in my eye and tell me that I don't have what it takes to be a Cyclops. 