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My friend told me not to say anything about her new boyfriends lazy eye, so I made sure to give numerous compliments on his normal one. 
Subway is being sued for lying about length?!?!?.... Time for me to find a good attorney!
This new bank app I have sends me suspicious activity alert for just about anything.....*alert* someone paid off a light bill, *alert* someone opened a bar tab, *alert* you've overpaid the stripper
Just imagine how Humpty Dumpty felt when all the kingmens couldnt put him back together....... Thats how I feel about our relationship
I can’t believe we’re almost four years away from someone using “Gangnam Style” as a deliberately outdated comedy reference.
Making moral decisions based on money will leave you emotionally poor.
Anyone else noticing a pattern of flies being attracted to Obama?
"I'll need a table for 5 and napkins for 70.".... -- Me, with my wife and kids entering any restaurant--
What's 100 ft long and has 20 teeth?.................... The funnel cake line at the Maine State Fair.
I bet you can't say "cops" without moving your mouth!
A BJ a days keep the sluts away from my man...
They told me I can catch more flies with honey than with vingar. I said "I can catch even more with manure, whats the point?"
assumes "don't try this at home" really means do it at a friend's house or when your parents aren't around.
The idiot in me likes you.
Denims are my favourite hand sanitizers.
My wife gets annoyed with my long showers. I told her they could be 10-15 minutes shorter if she joined me.
Different ways to say "NO": German: Nein - Russian: Niej - Arabic: La - Women: Yes, but ...
n't it ironic when you put THE and IRS together it beomes "theirs"? hmmm
Why does Facebook even give me the option to 'Like' my own status? Of course I like my status, I'm Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
My biggest fear is dying and becoming a ghost that has to go around and get people to try my blueberry cereal. 