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why does the microwave plate stay cool but my plate is 500 f ucking degrees?? 
Apparently, guys who play the banjo haven't heard of an instrument called 'the guitar' which tends to drown the player in a sea of puss y.
People mistake my shyness for unapproachability, and I'm totally okay with that.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
early reports of an earthquake in LA turned out to just be Kim Kardashian dropping a deuce...
I respect how the Hamburglar was like, "Hey, I know I'm at rock bottom here, but I'm going to be professional about it and wear a tie."
choosing someone on a dating website is like deciding which STD you want...
I have DirecTV...where's my genie??
I'm sorry, but your job opportunities are limited here in light of the tattoos on your face and neck. How are you at handling a spatula? ツ
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel - instead of send.
hurt my leg while sleeping last night in case you're wondering how I'd do running a marathon.
I'm convinced any man who introduces themselves with 'Uncle' before their name is a child molester.
I think I just had a wardrobe malfunction................................
If I start babbling its the Nyquil....if I start a bonfire at 3am it's the vodka
I'm starting to think Chris Brown is in Fight Club
Why are hoes like "Oh, its winter, I need a boyfriend to keep me warm"?.... No b**tch, buy a coat.
WHY do men cheat? Seriously... One woman is expensive enough!
the facebook app...its like combining ESPN with Weather Channel & some occasional drama
freely admits that I don't know how to play Minesweeper - I just click random boxes hoping I'm right.
If I could play golf with any celebrity, it would be Stephen Hawking. I would win by a landslide, assuming he doesn't play with a handicap. 