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Dear Ladies: Smiles are more attractive than duckfaces. Keep that in mind when you're editing your dating profile. 
Bought a pack of air the other day. Guess what... There were Chips inside
Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
Before 2012 it was dave chappelle here. Now it's like conan o'brien.
The best feeling in the world is when someone you hate tells a joke and nobody laughs.
Great, now Ray Lewis has killed more people AND won more Super Bowl rings than me. :(
I can't help but feel important when someone says there's a special place in hell for people like me.
Sadly, I don't think Fast & Furious sequels are being released fast or furiously enough.
You know we're in a recession when they start making game shows where the winner gets a job.
Guys, I heard this crazy myth that there are people who don't hate themselves after every meal. Is this true?
Every 3rd world country in the world has a soccer team. Heck, all you need is empty space and a ball.
The way I see it, is if there were no men in the world, the planet would be filled with nothing but happy fat women. And a shortage of batteries.
celebrating black history month by wearing a white cotton t-shirt
changing my last name to Acula, and going to become a doctor...
accidently took my wife's menopause medicine last night,.... woke up at 2:30 a.m with an irresistible urge to slap the crap outta myself and tell me to go to my Dog house ....so here I am....
pedophile: Get in the van I have candy. me: No! pedofile:I have free wifi too! me:Where would you like me to sit?
Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
Hey ACCESS. the GO DADDY commercial may have made last place for likes and it was inappropriate for family viewing and was outright disturbing...way to go GO DADDY, it was the most successful add, most talked about!
The MVP award last night should've been given to that kid from the Audi commercial. He was the player with the biggest balls. 