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Would someone please stop the earth from spinning? I'd like to get off. 
I miss complaining about the summer heat.
The boy who used to bully me in grade school still takes my lunch money,,,,,,on the plus side, he never forgets to ask me if I want to upsize my fries.
Awkward is when you're dancing with a girl and she bends over so you can grind it, then realize she dropped an earring and no one in the Starbucks can hear your iPod but you...
When the ATM printed out the receipt showing my account balance, I really don't think the LOL at the end was necessary.
My signature move is pulling up my pants with a police flashlight shining in my face.
With Valentine's Day a week away does anyone know of a good Cemetery I can get flowers at .....??
Instead of the silly names the weather channel has chosen, they should pick names of infamous scam artists like Bernie Madoff who pulled off really good snow jobs.
kind of liking the new ads on Facebook!! said by no one...
It's better to have loved and lost, than live with the idiot for the rest of your life!
So... You don't hunt or fish, yet you buy camo and say you're country?? Hmm, maybe confused is a better word.
Dear lord thankyou for these noodles i'm about to eat, ramen
I may not go down in history, but I will go down on your sister.
I think I'll score with the girl I met today. She told me I was very offensive!!
There is no polite way to suggest to someone that they have devoted their life to a folly.
Learn From Your Parents Mistakes - Use Birth Control. Only a fool makes a mistake twice.
My girlfriend kept going "Ssshhhhh!" during sex, last night. I think she might have a puncture
I'm not saying my wife's a fat b*tch, but I've had to put all the chocolate biscuits well out of reach. On the floor.
Women sleeping in Bras... Nice try Hollywood.
The only reason I've made it this far in life is because I have the Hyrule Field theme song from Zelda playing on repeat inside my head. 