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When a guy catches me naked in bed with his wife I just pretend I'm from the future. And ask for his clothes, his boots and his motorcycle. 
# 19: You are smart and very attractive and a great ..... Ahhh!, who am I kidding? No one invited me to play this stupid game!
waiter: "what would you like to drink?" me: "тнє вℓσσ∂ σƒ му єηємιєѕ" waiter:... me:... waiter:... me:... waiter:... me:... waiter: "is pepsi okay?"
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I'm gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
If you can't tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you're an idiot.
Cheating is always worse when a woman does it because she has experience turning down sex. When she cheats, it is premeditated cheating; when a guy cheats, it is just cheating.
Kindness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.
Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
My son asked me what's it like being married. I said "You know how you have to eat your vegetables to get dessert? Like that".
When my kids grow up, I'm going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I'm bored & then just leave!
It's perfectly OK to pretend that you're Irish on St. Patrick's Day. You pretend you're good on Christmas, don't you?
Not to alarm anyone but I just saw a flying pig. It was in a helicopter but I couldn't figure out which one of the Kardashians was it.
If I were a waiter & someone was rude to me, I wouldn't touch their food. I'm an adult. I'd hide in the back seat of their car with a knife.
What I lack in sleep, I make up for in blank stares.
My doctor said, "This is going to sting a little," and then proceeded to say, "I've unfriended you on Facebook."
Irish I was drunk already ツ
If you’re depressed and hate your life just remember you’re not alone. We all hate your life too.
Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone! The day when everybody gets together and pretends they're Irish. Except the Irish... they pretend they're sober.
"North Korea... I promise you boo boo, we will smack the sh*t out you" - Kevin Hart voice 