Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Whenever any of my ex's leave me, I find out a short time later they end up getting married. Which actually makes me feel better. At least now she's miserable too.

   I got this really cute girl's number today. I'm starting to think that I should get into car accidents more often.

   They've installed a machine at the BAR which tells you when to stop drinking. Its called an ATM.

   I can't believe how strong the winds were last night. I went out to get my GF some milk and got blown into the f*cking bar.

   I don't know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.

   If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn't want me here either.

   A woman said to me earlier....... "You're the most sarcastic bstard I know." I said, "Thanks....... That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

   The left lane is for club members only. If you're not sure if you're in the club, move over.

   I just cleaned out my car, and to anyone whom I've ever accused of stealing my lighter, these 47 lighters and I would like to apologize.

   Eighteen is too young to get married! You can't even buy alcohol. If you can't drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?

   I'm sorry but if someone busted out of my birthday cake, they better have another cake in their hands because I really like cake.

   Fake Love: Her: Good morning love of my life, beat of my heart. Him: God morning sunshine, reason I live. True Love: Her: coffee if you want it. Him: Ehhhh.

   Just walked in the room and the girl on the news was saying"we like it to be at least 10 inches but we prefer it to be longer than 12 inches.She was talking about people donating hair.Thank goodness.

   I just put a childproof lock on my liquor cabinet. No, I don't have any kids... I just installed it to remind myself of what it can lead to.

   I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

   There's nothing wrong with my attitude. It's in full working order.

   The difference between politicians and prostitutes is, though they'll both take your money and f*ck you, prostitutes will actually give some satisfaction.

   That jackass who called me childish at work earlier is going to regret it. Just wait till I tell my dad.

   After being ignored by my GF for a full week, the only communication being a yes or a no, I've learnt a very valuable lesson about women. When they tell you they don't want anything for their birthday, they don't mean it.

   Sex isn't sex without hair pulling, ass grabbing, neck holding, legs folding, lip biting, neck sucking, pillow biting, back scratching, etc.