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Dilemma: The person next to you needs the heimlich maneuver but you have an erection 
Dear people who keep referring back to the good old days, why don't you stop using toilet paper and revert back to leaves so we can know your days were all that
I used to think the first line in the Australian national anthem was "Australians all eat ostriches" but then realised, it would make more sense if it was emus
Joined a gym once. 12 bystanders were injured. So much blood. 2 people renounced their faith. At night I still hear the treadmill screaming
Whenever I want a Klondike bar I just pay for it
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think “They’re killing my family, and I’ll have to fight the attacker naked…”
Pro tip: On Canadian Wheel of Fortune,,, ALWAYS buy the letter 'eh'.
I know I'm supposed to be outraged about this whole NSA phone tapping scandal, but I've got to admit, its a little refreshing that after a decade of marriage, someone is finally listening to me.
Obviously this cat thinks I won't punch a cat
Wanted GF. A girl with good cooking skills and a jet ski, please show pic of jet ski.
We cannot allow gays to get married, it would threaten the sanctity of our high divorce rate.
We should cease calling them ski masks, because really only robbers wear them.
I’ll be eating a dozen donuts throughout today to celebrate the National Donut Day, or as I call it, “every other day”
You know....I once dated an amputee....She single-handedly changed my life.
Beware the OCD Mafia - They're into REALLY organized crime
I love pillow talk as much as the next guy but saying "Put your needle in my haystack" isn't exactly a confidence builder.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar
If you think my relationships are unhealthy.... You should see my diet.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Advice is sh*t you'd tell your friends but never do yourself. 