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When I come to that fork in the road, I use it to eat my cake. 
've been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I've lost is 14 days
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.
So now like 30% of our national security database is cat pictures, right?
Every time someone walks by my desk I make sure to have the Hooters website up just so no one thinks I'm a nerd doing work.
"Oh, scientific method!" ~ things atheists cry out during sex
Age is just a number and mine is unlisted.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
for the question "Do Amish murderers get the acoustic chair? The answer is no. They use static electricity from the carpet.
I am a single mom raising 5 electronic gadgets and a couch all by myself.
Dudes,,, If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,,,, talk in your sleep
Nice try fat families with stick figure people on the back of their van
Listen, I don't make the rules,,, Where I come from, when you lick something and yell MINE,, it's yours.....So, ya know, get in my van please.
Heritage For The Blind wants me to donate my old car to them. FUNK THAT! We have enought people that can't drive that can see why the hell would I want a blind person driving.
My face wakes up 3-4 hours after the rest of me.
Remember when razors only had two blades? Or what tissue companies call the "good ol' days"?
See how long it takes you to get arrested in Walmart for starting a trail of gummy bears from the toy section to the bathrooms
The "Other" mailbox folder is apparently facebook's version of "Local singles are waiting to meet you."
At Subway. "What kind of Sandwich would you like ?? I'll take a 6inch Tuna on Honey Oat Please. "What kind of bread"?? Honey Oat please. "What kind of sandwich "?? Tuna please.
"by day I am just a regular loser, by night I am the same loser only it’s nighttime". 