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If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need. Don't concern yourself with how I got in your house. 
If your ass had a twitter account I'd follow it.
I may not remember a face or a name BUT I never forget an ass.
Garbage men are the least respected civil servants. They work just as hard as firemen and cops, but no one ever calls them heroes. Probably because they smell like used tampons and old Chinese food.
Today I feel like hitting free like to everyone post. Common everyone post something!!! This offer is about to end soon
If I didn't drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
The real problem with this generation is that the cartoons suck.
I stay drunk because it costs so much to start from sober.
If I like you, I will make fun of you. If I don't like you, I will also make fun of you. You just won't know.
Who thinks Bobby Brown knew what he was singing about in “My Prerogative”?
I'm late for work again! This time my dog ate my car.
If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours to keep.... If it doesn't, you drove far enough.
Never allow yourself to be used by anyone as a weapon against their enemies. You are not an object, you are a human being for god sake.
I miss you. The old you. The new you sucks!
Don't call yourself a pitbull and then act like a gay chihuahua.
Facebook - The one place, where you can pretend to have a lot of friends
I've already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I'm gonna "come on down" whether they call my fuckíng name or not.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
COCAINE IS NATURE'S CAPS LOCK
This is a pretty shítty flash mob. It's in my living room, only my family showed up, and they're just telling me to stop drinking. 