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Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two? 
If anyone needs to get a clue, I have an extra one in my desk.
Your perception of me is a reflection of you.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
A procrastinator's work is never done...
I have this strange feeling that my nemesis is gonna show up to my funeral and play nothing but Nickelback. well played sir .#afinalfckyou
I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.
When the temperature drops 15 or 20 degrees I am going to go outside and see what I didn't do today! Just saying.
"Beauty without intelligence is like a masterpiece painted on a tissue paper." Yeh, compasionate wisdom lasts longer than beauty. At least you don't get on people's nerve with your childish behaviour.
The Prince in Cinderella thinks he is so macho smooth!... He notices womens shoes and wears epaulettes...yea...thatll throw off the gaayy vibe
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked..... Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Nothing is worse than the silence after I say Hi-lo to a pretty girl...
I heard it's pretty hard to get a medical marijuana card. I'll be right back, I'm gonna go jump off my roof!
Two red blood cells met and fell in love. But alas,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, it was in vein.
Ariel is a lot less attractive once you realize she swims around in her own poop water.
Late every Sunday night, all other the stores in the mall go and tell Radio Shack not to worry about what other people think, they still love him
Huma Abedin - because having to whip out an ID or debit card with "Huma Weiner" on it and expecting people to suppress the involuntary giggles is just too much.
Beauty without intelligence is like a masterpiece painted on a tissue paper.
Its so cute when you've been in a relationship long enough that you finish each other's insults. 