BEGO Funny Status Messages

   Idea to help fight the obesity epidemic in America: Force Walmart to keep their parking spaces at least 200 yards from their entrances.

   The person with the longest text message response time has the upper hand in the relationship.

   Hey person calling me from a blocked number, I’m not answering. Ever.

   If you peel back the foil on pudding and don’t lick the pudding on the foil before indulging in the pudding then I’m sorry to say you’re not cool.

   Ladies: imagine a man who’s rich, handsome, listens well and loves you for who you are. Now keep imagining him, because he’s only imaginary.

   Plan for tonight: 1. get off work and drink till Monday. 2. figure the rest out later

   Success, it's like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.

   I have many talents… For example: Sleeping…and Eating…and damn Drinking!

   Strangers think I’m quiet, my friends think I’m outgoing, my best friends know I’m insane.

   My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.

   I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.

   Love in 2013 means answering each other’s texts immediately.

   Unless you can explain how you know me in three words or less, Facebook Friend Request: DENIED.

   Wouldn't it be great to hear a priest say "been there, done that" in reply to your confessed sins?

   I hate when people only talk to me when they need something.

   Eighteen is too young to get married! You can't even buy alcohol. If you can't drink, how are you going to make your damn marriage work?

   Find someone who will change your life, not just your damn relationship status.

   When you click a button you didn't mean to click, so you just kinda hold the click and drag your cursor around hoping it doesn't click.

   You know it's going to be a great story when it starts out with "So, this damn bi&ch..."

   Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.