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Love seeing life through the eyes of a child. So I made the nephew a helmet-cam and let him take a spin in the dryer. 
If a Porsche is next to me at a stop light, I'll tell the driver his brake lights are out even when they're not.
It's easy to be the worst person on Facebook. Just begin your response to someone's status update with, "Actually,"
Minivans with stick figure families let burglars know exactly how many adults, children, dogs, cats, turtles and fish they'll need to tie up.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
My Boyfriend tried to talk me into making a sex tape. I'm like, 'Cool, we just need to get someone else to play your part'
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn't used to be?
No thanks polygamy. One wife is too many.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...
Sometimes just thinking of two fat people with really huge stomachs trying to hug each other is enough to make my day.
We would like to thank the NY Giants for their participation in the 2013 NFL season. Please pick up your consolation prize at the door on your way out. Thank you
You don't need a parachute to skydive. You do need a parachute to skydive twice.
Have you noticed that the most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon?
with all due respect, officer, you were also going that fast.
ASome people actually believe that the only thing their tax dollars go to is food stamps. Bahahahahah
I'm starting to think that Dr. Dre isn't a real doctor after all...
I hate it when I wake up next to someone and can't remember who they are, where I met them or how they died.
Never trust a guy who says trust me
just hoping Jerry Sandusky had another bad day in prison at the hands of Bubba.
I'll take opposites for 400 Alex... "the opposite of downcat"... What is updog?.."Not much what's up with you"... * Alex quits,, they shutdown show forever* 