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Ladies: Next time you shake a man's hand just remember you're really shaking his d*ck's best friend. 
If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, send them all their stuff they left at your place.
just wrote down all the cars I ever owned ........Now I have a bucket list
If I had to describe myself in 3 words... I don't know.
I just saw 30 seconds of Glee and now I'm gay. Send glitter.
It's 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
Ladies Does your man tune you out? Tell him you're a week late, he'll listen to everything you have to say.
Ladies, if you've been called a c*nt by 3 or more people, you're a c*nt...
Ok peeps, I had a chat with Zuckerberg and convinced him to keep Facebook free. You are welcome.
I'm having a bad day. Screw you → you ↑ you ↗ you ↓ oh, and you ↘.
They told me at work I was selected for a random drug test. I said "Oh Boy! Which ones to I get to test?!" Not smart. Not smart at all.
Those who don't know me think I'm on drugs. Those who do think I should be.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
Gone are the days when journalism was just about sharing information and not about sharing personal opinions, prejudice, bias and judgment.
Yeah I used to be a people person but then people went & F#%ked that all up :l
'LSD makes users lose weight' That makes sense, it's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they'll tell you how great you look at 250.
Nice try speed bumps, it's a rental.
You're hiking. Smokey the Bear appears smoking a cigar. He nods, flicks it into a pile of leaves and smiles, "No one will ever believe you."
It is now day 11 of the government shutdown and we knew sooner or later something like this was going to happen. Despite the national parks being shut down, several men were severely mauled by bears yesterday. But enough about the New York Giants. 