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One time I put my phone in my pocket and didn’t take it out for like almost 5 minutes. 
Why talk when you can type?
I don’t judge people based on color, race, religion, sexuality, or gender…I base it on whether or not they’re an as$hole.
He was so creepy, his van had a basement.
I am really looking forward to my favorite Thanksgiving tradition. Watching the "Black Friday" shoppers at Walmart trampling each other on the evening news.
Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.
Spilling a full drink you just paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
NEWS FLASH: The mother who injected her 8 year old daughter with Botox looses custody... *The child didn't look surprised.
*Buys a 3D printer... *With the 3D printer, prints a 3D printer... *Returns the origional 3D printer
Wiki leaks: kraby patty secret formula
That one password you use for everything and if anyone ever figured it out they could single-handedly ruin your entire life.
At first glance, the word "Diputseromneve" looks confusing and retåřded. However, if you read it backwards it's even more stupid.
Why are we not using science to combine animals? Don’t you want a Mouselion friend chillin in your shirt pocket doing tiny adorable roars?
All those things on Morgan Freeman's face are the missing pieces of Seal's face.
Every 7 seconds a fat girl confuses post-it notes for Kraft singles.
This night m'lady and I will intertwine our love in the haunting glow of the moon, and maybe she'll let me stick it in her pooper.
I sneezed pretty bad, mid-dump, and ended up 6 minutes in the future.
Eventually everything will be offensive and we'll go back to living in caves.
I'm sorry if I was rude to you earlier. I honestly thought you were the ugly one in your profile picture.
You're a party girl until your looks deteriorate. Then you're just a drug addict. 