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George Zimmerman is getting dangerously close to the 8 strike law. 
Never cut off the minivans, they have nothing to live for.
m old enough to remember when the lamest thing in the world was to take pictures of yourself, like you had no friends
To drink or not to drink!? What a stupid question!
I love it when someone takes a good joke and make it even better. Keep it up guys.
[You're choking]:---- I have two choices: Do I perform the Hiemlich Manuever or should I just stand there and pray for you?.........Science: 1 , Religion: -10
My wife just yelled that I pay more attention to Facebook than I do to her, or at least that's what I think she said to me....
Excuse me miss.... Can I test drive your vulva?
Confucius say: Woman who keep husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
When are the winter special olympics??
They call it "work" for a reason. If it was fun, they'd call it "play" and you would pay them.
Just used my Dollar General receipt to build a really cool fort for the kids.
The worst part about someone asking how you've been is when you realize, "Oh, great. Now I have to ask about you."
Nothing tests human willpower more than your phone vibrating in your pocket while someone is telling a story.
Okay, 45-year-old divorced women on Facebook who are "LUV'N' LIFE!" Calm down. We get it.
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car.
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
Cutest thing I saw today was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home. He must really want me to have a good time because he called and said don't come in tomorrow.
there anything worse than being on vacation, and your copy of Enter The Dragon won't play because of a scraaaaatch???? 